The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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