new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
