I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
