I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
