Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
