i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
