im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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