dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
