just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You don't make any sense
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