3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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