i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
