He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
