I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
