He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
