i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Are my feet made of real feet?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
