Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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