DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize