i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
