I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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