I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
