a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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