She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
