Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
