I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
