I think scott just propositioned me for sex
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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