I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
