Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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