she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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