I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
