i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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