If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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