Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
