can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
