IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
