Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
