she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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