look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
A+ Viking dick
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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