i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
