I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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