If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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