I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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