My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
