I faked an abortion last night.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
