I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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