i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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