Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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