I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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