the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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