Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
