How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
