i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
