just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have fence marks all over my body
i think im in europe. pls send help
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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