I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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