I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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