He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize