Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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