You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
