good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
