i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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