So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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