youre lurking in front of me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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