Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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