I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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