The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
