Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
