Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
