oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
