I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I want is dick and wine.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
