Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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