Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
