You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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