he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
